Be Direct and Polite in English with Assertive Communication

This lesson was originally published in 2019. It was updated in September 2024 with new content and a new video lesson.

Did you know that being assertive when speaking can help you manage stress and negative emotions, deal with uncomfortable situations, and express yourself more effectively?

Plus, it can help you avoid too many responsibilities if you have a hard time saying no to others or asking for what you want.

Here’s what I mean. Imagine:

• Saying no to working late because you want to go to your daughter’s concert at school
• Asking for what you want or need, without feeling bad
• Defending your opinion or point of view, even if others disagree with you
• Managing stress more easily by setting clear boundaries
• Responding to uncomfortable situations respectfully instead of with anger or aggression

The challenge is: how do you do this without sounding demanding or rude?

In today’s Confident English lesson, you’ll get 5 tips for assertive communication so you can say what you need with direct and polite language.

5 Strategies for Assertive Communication | Be Direct and Polite in English

Before we dive into the 5 strategies to be assertive in English, it’s important to be crystal clear on what is passive vs. assertive communication and why both are important. 

Moreover, I want to distinguish between assertive and aggressive communication so you feel confident in knowing that assertive communication can still be polite and appropriate.

So, let’s start with passive communication.

What is Passive Communication?

Passive communication can be appropriate in situations where extreme politeness is necessary or when it’s vital to maintain a harmonious atmosphere.

However, it can also lead to communicating in a way that prioritizes others’ needs, wants, or opinions over your own. It can sound submissive or overly polite, and may avoid confrontation even at the cost of your own needs. 

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication, on the other hand, involves confidently and calmly expressing your own needs and opinions, even in difficult situations. 

It allows you to stand up for yourself while still respecting others, and it enables you to say “no” without feeling guilty. Assertiveness is about finding the balance between being respectful and ensuring your voice is heard.

Let’s take a look at an example to bring these differences into focus:

Example Situation: Requesting a Pay Raise

• Passive: I don’t know if it’s okay to ask, but I was wondering if I could get a pay raise?
• Assertive: I’d like to discuss a possible pay raise. I believe my contributions and skills warrant a raise at this time.

Comparison:
The passive response shows hesitation and a lack of confidence. It avoids clearly expressing your needs. 

The assertive response, however, is direct, clear, and respectful. It communicates your needs confidently while maintaining professionalism.

What about Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication

I know using assertive communication can feel uncomfortable for some. I struggle with it myself. Like me, you might fear that assertive communication is rude or impolite. Let me assure you, it is not. 

To help, let’s clarify the difference between assertive and aggressive communication. 

Assertive: I matter, and so do you.

Assertive communication is about expressing your thoughts and needs clearly and respectfully. 

Your tone and volume are calm, and the focus is on ensuring both parties’ needs are considered. 

Maintaining eye contact and a steady tone while speaking further enhances your assertiveness, demonstrating confidence without intimidation.

Aggressive: I matter, but you don’t.

Aggressive communication, in contrast, involves expressing your needs in a way that dismisses or disrespects others. This might include speaking loudly, rudely, or insensitively, and it often leads to conflict rather than resolution.

When is Assertive Language Appropriate?
Assertive language is most appropriate when:

• Protecting Your Rights: For example, standing up against discrimination or saying “no” to something that infringes on your time or energy.
• Communicating Effectively: This includes sharing a different opinion or expressing concerns in a discussion.
• Maintaining Self-Confidence: Advocating for your needs or establishing boundaries to protect your well-being.

Strategy #1: Use “I” Language

Using “I” language means focusing on your feelings and needs rather than on what the other person is doing wrong. This helps avoid placing blame and reduces the potential for conflict.

Example:

• Instead of: It would be helpful if you could take on this task.
• Say: I would appreciate it if you took on this task.

Strategy #2: Use Empowering Language

Avoid words that weaken your message, like “just,” “sorry,” or “I guess.” These words can undermine your confidence and make you seem uncertain.

Example:

• Instead of: Sorry for bothering you, but can I have my ladder back?
• Say: I need my ladder back so I can finish painting my home.

Strategy #3: Be Direct

When being assertive, it’s often better to avoid modals like “could” or “might,” which can make your requests sound tentative.

Example:

• Instead of: I was wondering if you could send me an update by the end of the day.
• Say: Will you send me an update by the end of the day?

Strategy #4: Set Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries means being clear about what you will and will not do, without over-explaining or apologizing. This is especially important when dealing with pushy individuals.

Example:

• Instead of: I’m so sorry; I don’t think I can meet you on Friday.
• Say: I can meet you on Saturday, but Friday won’t work for me this week.

Proposing Solutions: In some situations, it’s also helpful to propose solutions alongside stating your needs. For instance, if you need to decline an invitation, you might suggest an alternative time or way to connect, showing that you’re interested in maintaining the relationship but also clear about your limits.

Strategy #5: Use Scripts and Rehearse

If you find it challenging to be assertive, scripting and rehearsing your responses can be a powerful tool. Practicing these scripts helps you prepare for real-life situations, making it easier to communicate assertively when the time comes.

Example Script: Requesting Help with a Project

Let’s say you’re overwhelmed with a project and need to ask a colleague for assistance.

Scripted Response:

• Thank you for your support. I’m currently managing several other tasks that require my full attention, and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with my workload right now. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to complete this project on time without some help. I would really appreciate your assistance with [specific task].

Rehearsal Tip: Practice this script in front of a mirror, focusing on maintaining eye contact and a steady tone. You can also role-play with a friend, taking turns being the one requesting help and the colleague. This practice builds confidence and makes it easier to respond assertively in real-life situations.

Now it’s time for you to use these 5 strategies to practice how to be more assertive in English. 

Assertive communication is about finding the balance between passivity and aggression. It allows you to express your needs clearly and confidently while respecting others.

By using the strategies we’ve discussed today, you can become more assertive in your communication and handle difficult situations with confidence.

To practice, review the two situations below. Then tell me how you would respond in an assertive way.

1. You have been doing extra work to help your disorganized colleague for the last month.  Let your colleague know you cannot keep doing their work for them.
2. A neighbor borrowed your favorite book 12 months ago, you have already asked for it back a couple of times. 

The best place to share your answers is in the comments section below.

Have a fantastic Wednesday!

~ Annemarie

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