How to Be Assertive in English to Sound More Confident
It’s the start of the new year! Happy 2019!
Have you decided that this is the year you’re ready to make some changes in your English so you can communicate the way you want and feel less stressed?
If you said, yes, then good news! Today’s lesson will help you do that.
It’s time to learn how to be assertive in English. Here’s why:
Did you know that being assertive when speaking can help you manage stress and negative emotions, deal with uncomfortable situations, and express yourself more effectively?
Plus, it can help you avoid too many responsibilities if you have a hard time saying no to others or asking for what you want.
That all sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it?
Well, welcome to the first Confident English Lesson of 2019!! That’s exactly what we’re going to focus on.
Learning to be assertive in English will help you do just that.
In today’s lesson, you’ll get 5 strategies that will help you communicate in an assertive way with confidence so you can:
- Say no to working late because you want to go to your daughter’s concert at school
- Ask for what you want or need, without feeling bad
- Defend your opinion or point of view, even if others disagree with you
- Manage stress more easily by setting clear boundaries
- Respond to uncomfortable situations respectfully instead of with anger or aggression
At each step, I’ll share clear examples of the language you can use in English to help you do this. And then you’ll have the opportunity to practice at the end.
5 easy ways to sound more confident & be assertive in English.
Lesson by Annemarie
Five Strategies to Be Assertive in English with Examples
Strategy 1:
Use ‘I’ statements.
- I need
- I want
- I’m certain
- I believe
Strategy 2:
Avoid words that undervalue what you say.
- Instead of: I just want to talk to you about… SAY I need to talk to you when you have time. JUST undermines what we are saying, it tells people what we are saying is not important.
- Instead of: Sorry for bothering you but can I have that back… SAY I need that returned please. SORRY should be saved for real apologies and not overused because it undermines our message.
- Instead of: I guess what I am saying is I would prefer not to cover your shift… SAY Sorry, I will not be able to do that. GUESS tells the listener that we do not believe what we are saying.
- Instead of: I could be wrong but… SAY I believe…
- Instead of: This might sound crazy… SAY I have a novel idea…
- Instead of: If it’s okay, I would like to… SAY This is what I believe needs to happen…
When you remove those undercutting words, your comments sound more clear and certain.
“When you remove words such as just, sorry, and guess, your comments sound more clear and certain.”
Strategy 3:
Avoid using modals.
Modals are great for polite, diplomatic requests. But when you need to be assertive, it’s best to avoid words such as could, would, might, and should.
Instead, use will. For example:
- Will you get that to me today?
- When will you get that to me?
Strategy 4:
Use ‘when’ + ‘I feel’ statements to let people know how their behavior is affecting you. For example:
- When you don’t listen to me I feel disrespected.
Strategy 5:
Create clear boundaries.
When we are assertive we state the facts, we don’t apologize and we don’t over explain. With really pushy people we can keep repeating these facts to make our boundaries clear, to let them know what we can and will do and what we will not do.
Here’s an example:
- I can meet you on Wednesday morning but Thursday won’t work for me this week.
Now it’s time for you to use these 5 strategies to practice how to be more assertive in English.
Review the two situations below. Then tell me how you would respond in an assertive way.
- You have been doing extra work to help your disorganized colleague for the last month. Let your colleague know you cannot keep doing their work for them.
- A neighbor borrowed your favorite book 12 months ago, you have already asked for it back a couple of times.
The best place to share your answers is in the comments section below. It’s also a great place to learn from others in the Confident English Community.
Have a fantastic Wednesday!
~ Annemarie
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Hi Annemarie mam,
Being Assertive is a great lesson for me 😊
1. We have been working this project for a month. I need to focus on my own project, so I can help you for this week only.
2. I need my book back because I want to read that book, when can I pick it up from you?
1.i can’t do your job any longer I need to focus on my own work. 2. You have lend my book last one year. Right now I need the book..when will I pick it up?
1. I believe I will not be able to help you on your work as I have become too much busy with my designated work.
2. You have borrowed a book from me on the last week. I need you to return it to me please.
1.- I believe it’s time for you to work alone. I need to work in my own project.
2.- Tomorrow i’m going on a trip , I need you to return the book i lent you long time ago. This afternon i’ll go your home and pick it up,thanks.
Assertive lesson:
1. I’ve taken time away from my daily tasks, now each member will practice being organized and hold each other accountable.
2. I will be in your neighborhood tomorrow morning, please leave the book on the front porch.
Hi!Ms.Anne..your lecture is very impressive and i am very much eager to learn.Thank you.
Hi Annemarie, do you offer any courses for more advanced English speakers?
Hi Paris, I do. Fluency School is designed for students with a B1+ level or higher. I’ve had many highly advanced students join Fluency School. For my Fluency School graduates, I also offer a course called Advanced Conversation, but this is only available to students who finish Fluency School. 😊
Some people confuse being Assertive with Aggressive.
You’re definitely right, Elias, many people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. Being assertive is a constructive way for dealing with difficult people, achieving your goals, and solving different problems. Being aggressive involves speaking before you think, insulting people, and not listening to what others need. So if you can solve your problems, communicate properly and politely, speak to the point, and understand others’ point of view, it means you are assertive.
Hi Annemarie. I’m not sure my sentences are correct or not!!! 🙁
1. I have a lot of work to do. And I think this is the best time that you should do yours alone.
2. I really need my book. If you’re home tomorrow, I’ll go to pick it up. Thanks.
Well done, Bahar. Those are both great examples of being more assertive. 😊
Hi.. Annemarie. I m new to your channel you are doing grt for people who don’t speak English…
1.As you know I will be leaving this college.. I enjoyed a lot with staff but now the time has come to devoted time to my family.
2.Its a long time.. .. I need my book back, tell me when you will give.
Thank you Annemarie for sharing your trainings with us. Very helpful.
1.I will appreciate if you continue doing your job yourself.
2.I feel needs in my books you’ve borrowed. When will you give them back to me?
That’s awesome you found it helpful Anastasia. We love your assertive sentences! I like the use of the word ‘appreciate’, we usually couple this with ‘would’. So it can still sound really assertive to say: I would appreciate if… If you wanted to be even more direct you could use an ‘I will’ like this: I will no longer be able to do your work and I will need you to take responsibility for your tasks. This is a great way of making your needs clear. For number 2 the way you use a very specific question is great, it… Read more »
HI Anastasia, I’m so glad you enjoyed the lesson. And thank you to Kelly for providing some great tips. 🙂
Hi Annmarie,
Thanks for sharing with us your brilliant strategies.
Here are my answers:
1. I want to help you but i
have to focus on my own project too.
2. I need the book you borrowed 12 months ago,please give it back to me.
Perfect, Beverly. You’ve done a nice job using the strategies from the lesson!
1. I want you to know I can’t keep on doing your work for you. I have to focus on mine as well.
2. I need my book back as soon as possible, when can I get it ?
Love these examples, Aseye! Good work using the strategies you learned in the lesson.
1.I will be happy to help you if I see that you keep your end of the bargain.
2. Hello, I’m here to get my book back. The one that you have already kept for a year. Weather you finished it or not I need it back now, thank you.
Great work, Milla! I like these examples.
One correction: Let’s check the spelling of the word ‘weather’ in the second example. What would you change and why?
1)I won’t help you for i want to focus on my own project
2)will you give me back my book that i gave you one year ago?
Good work using the strategies you learned in the lesson. Let’s fix one things: “I won’t help you _______ I want to focus on my own project.” Is there a different word you could use that provides a reason?
because
👏👏👏
1) I will no be able to help you any longer, I have a project to work on.
2) I’m going away and I need my book back, when is the best time to come to pick it up?
Perfectly done, Mercedes. Good work using the strategies you learned in the lesson.
Thanks for sharing these lessons and Happy New year.
Response to the questions
Would have loved to help but unfortunately can’t, I have got a pile of work backlog to deal with.
Hi, I urgently need the book I loaned to you , is tomorrow a good day to come get it? Thanks.
Really well done, Esisal! I like how you’ve used the strategies from the lesson to respond in these two situations. I’m glad it was useful to you. 🙂
Answer to question 1
I believe have been helping you with extra work during the last few months and I feel I won’t be able to do that anymore this time.
Answer to question 2
When will you bring my book to me?
Wonderful, Suzette. I like how simple and clear your requests are and you’ve done a nice job using the strategies in this lesson. 🙂
Dear Annemarie,
Answer for situation one: I have an important task to delivery so I will no longer available to help you from now on. Or
I can help you untill today but next week I will be focused on my activities.
Answer for situation two: I need my book by the end of this week, when will you bring it to me/ when can I take it back?
Thank you for helping us with this explaination.
Perfect, Gisele. In both situations, you’ve provided some great options for how to respond in an assertive but polite way. Nicely done. I’m so glad it was a helpful lesson. 🙂
Hi. Annemarie.
Happy New Year to you and thank you for fantastic lesson.
1-I believe if I study English constantly I will reach my goal.
2-I need your books were very helpful,I will return them to you this weekend .
3-I want to know about an English courses please you will give me any advice?
4-I am certain confident English defenitly will raise our level.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Munira
Hi Munira,
Thank you for your comments. I have a question, were these comments answers to the challenge questions or requests you have for me?
You asked about English courses and you can find all my available courses here: https://www.speakconfidentenglish.com/courses/
This lesson is very effective for me because I always confused how I can express myself or what I want to my colleagues, friends or boss. I want to be assertive and diplomatic.
Hi Kanika,
I’m so happy to know this lesson was useful to you and gave you some skills you can use in English to be more assertive and diplomatic. 🙂
1. David, I can’t keep helping you on your work anymore, I’m getting super busy doing mine as well so from now I’ll let you do yourself.
2. Sue I need my book back, when will you be home so I can go to pick it up ?
Perfect, Maisa!! You used the strategies from the lesson and created to great responses to the challenges questions. Well done. 🙂
It is really helpful advice, which you gave us. As of your questions, my answer would be
1. Friends, I can help you for hour, then I have to go back to my project, because I have left a little time to finish.
2. I need my book back, I have an exam next week, when can I pick it up?
Hi Ann,
I’m so glad this was a helpful lesson. And you’ve done a wonderful job using the strategies to make assertive requests. Nicely done! 🙂
Sent. 1- Reem I am off tomorrow and want to come pick up my book. What time is best for you.
Sent. 2- I will be available for an hour to help you because my project is due tomorrow and time is running out.
Great work, Yasmeen! You’ve done a nice job using the strategies from the lesson in these assertive requests. 🙂
Hi, Annemaria,
Happy New Year to you, and thank you for sharing this useful lesson.
I will reply like this:
1) You have been doing extra work to help your disorganized colleague for the last month. Let your colleague know you cannot keep doing their work for them.
I really want to help you but I want to go home on time to accompany my family.
2) A neighbor borrowed your favorite book 12 months ago, you have already asked for it back a couple of times.
I need my book back. When can I pick up it?
Great examples, Yunjia Xu. You followed the strategies perfectly. 🙂
Happy New Year 2019 to you too Annemarie.
1) Can i help you for today, but from Wednesday i will start working on my report for the end of the year, so that i will have to finish it before i go for my leave. (this happened to me last year 2018)
2) I need my book return please! when can i get it?
Hi Ohide,
I’m glad you had a real life example and I hope this lesson was helpful. You provided some great examples here. One note: Be careful with word order. In the first example, “Can I help…” is formed like a question. Instead, you want to change the word order to make a statement. How could you do that?
Hi Annamarie.
Happy New Year. Thank you for sharing this useful lesson.
I won’t be able to help for this work. I have some things already planned.
( but I am not able to do like this. If someone asks for some help from me, I alway do my best. But sometimes it failed to me. But I have to learn to say “no” )
You are supposed to return my book you got. When will you give it back to me?
Hi Gulbadan, Good examples here! It is definitely hard to say no. Hopefully this lesson gave you some good strategies to do that. 🙂
Hi Annemarie,
Happy 2019 and a great start to the year of learning about this helpful exercise.
I need to work on the project assigned by my boss over this month. I believe I would not have much time on hand to help you with your work.
I was planning to reread the book you borrowed from me for a longer time.
Will you get it back to me today?
Great examples, Hyder. Nice job following the strategies in the lesson.
Hi Annemaria,
Happy New Year to you, and thank you for this new helpful lesson!
This is what I would respond:
1) I can help you for the last time, but from tomorrow I will start a new English course, so I will have to arrive on time.
(It really happened to me… )
2) I want my book back. When can I pick it up?
(I hate those who do not give me back my books. I’ve created a blacklist of people who will no longer have my books :D)
Hi Annalisa, great examples! And I’m glad that these examples were similar to what you’ve experienced in real life!
I agree with you… people who don’t give back books are infuriating. Smart job creating a blacklist. 🙂
Very interesting piece. Thanks for sharing.
Glad it was helpful.
Dear Annemarie,
1. I can’t help you, because I will focus on my project.
2. I need my book that I gave you one year ago, when can I pick it up
Thanks for your helps.
Sincerely.
Great job following the strategies in these examples, Suheyla.